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Pampa Death Puts Lipa in National News

Life can be so mundane here in Lipa that we invariably make the national news if there is a massacre – which is rare – or if there is a religious event involving devotion to the Blessed Mother. But wait… Yesterday we made the national news; and not at all for something that may be considered of profound significance.

So maybe before you proceed any further, you had better make sure that you are of age; else you had better seek parental guidance. This post will not be general patronage.

There is, in Lipa, this little bend of a country road which is something of a stairway to heaven. The road is lined by travellers’ inns which, shall we say, seldom really count travellers among their most loyal patrons. If you get my drift…

I am not about to pass judgment on these inns. To me they simply cater to the laws of Economics. You know… Supply and demand.

At any rate, the other day, a 64-year old man was found dead by the room boys in one of the inns, apparently the victim of a heart attack. The man was supposed to have checked in the previous night with a female companion. When the room boys knocked the next morning and there was no reply, they went to fetch the key to the front door and let themselves in.

What greeted them was the naked body of the man; with his female companion apparently having fled. Police are convinced that there was no foul play; and that the man seemed to have died of a heart attack after taking what Ted Failon likes to call the pampa pills.

Earlier, Failon had run a special on these quick-fix medications: for weight loss, skin whitening and… erectile dysfunction. The pampa in this context, therefore, refers to pills such as Viagra which address this dysfunction.

These pills can be either a bane or a boon for gentlemen who have lost the ability to make it look up to the heavens; or at least point across the room.

The chemicals in this pampa target the nerves of the muscles that regulate blood flow into the penis. By relaxing the muscle, more blood is allowed to flow into the penis itself so that, lo and behold, the one-eyed monster rises from its stupor.

Unfortunately, studies in the United States have shown that this pampa is not without risk. They are sold with recommendations that they not be taken by gentlemen with severe heart diseases, especially those who are taking medications in the form of nitrates.

In other words, for those who have heart diseases, to take this pampa is tantamount to taking one step up the stairway to heaven with one foot firmly planted on the stairway down to hell. All metaphorical, of course.

I hope that the police had taken the man’s medical history into context when doing their investigations. After all, an acquaintance who was also interviewed by the news crew said that the poor man did not seem to suffer from any apparent physical ailments. At least, not that he knew of…

I just wish that the news crew could have kept the man’s name out of the report. I mean, if the intention was to warn elderly gentlemen of the risks of taking these pampa pills, this could have been achieved without mentioning the man’s name.

If the intention was simply to report an event truthfully, I can argue that the launching of a coffee table book on Lipa’s colourful history was so much more newsworthy and even more appropriate for the national audience.

Admittedly, the circumstances behind the man’s death was remarkable. But surely there is nothing wrong with having a little sensitivity? A man just died, after all. Who wants condolers repressing smirks when they go visit his wake?

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